Are you proactive or reactive?
In this edition:
Update: agent responses
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Habit 1: Be proactive.
The Quote
Medical Moment: A simple reminder for self-care.
Book Review: THE SANATORIUM
New Onyx podcast available!
Update:
I hope you’re doing well today! I’ve spent the weekend recovering from our trip to Disney. We had a great time, but now I feel like I need a vacation.
Before leaving, I sent out a handful of queries to agents that I thought might be a good fit for me and my book. I’ve heard back from 2 agents, one who read the summary and first 5 pages, said it sounded fantastic and then asked for the first 3 chapters, then one who read my summary and the first chapter of my novel and requested the whole thing, the “full”. I have sent all requested material. Now 4 agents have my full novel and I’m waiting to hear their thoughts on this revised version.
Send all your positive thoughts this way!
Motivate:
Habit 1: Be proactive.
We’ve made it to the first habit that a highly effective person should have: proactivity. The idea of taking responsibility for your own life.
Let’s see what, if anything, we can learn/take away from this topic.
Do you feel responsible for what happens in your life or is life happening to you?
Convey states that there are two types of people: Proactive and reactive.
Reactive people are affected by their environment, circumstances, or conditions: what the weather is like or how others feel around them. They are controlled by something other than themselves. Ex: Good weather = good feeling. Bad boss = poor performance. A negative comment = a day ruined.
Proactive people are not driven by these things: they carry on regardless of the weather or how others feel around them. They are influenced by those external forces, and maybe they experience some emotional change, but they don’t let the things around them control them. And they don’t blame circumstances and conditions or other people for their behavior.
Side note: You know, a lot of times when I read something that’s supposed to “help” me, I think about someone else. When I first read about the concept of reactive vs proactive, I thought about someone I knew. This person is so a reactive person. He blames everything on someone or something else. Nothing is his fault. I feel sorry for this person because I know unless he changes, he won’t ever achieve great success or get the things he claims he wants.
And maybe it’s fine to think of someone else’s flaws, but I need to help myself first, which means I need to think of myself before I can help anyone else.
I like to think of myself as a proactive person, taking my life into my own hands. But I let others control me all the time. If I’ve had an argument with my husband, I’m in a bad mood and I don’t function as well. That’s fairly common, right?
For years now, I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with some of my family members. I’ve resented their behavior and let it silently eat at me for years. Years. I’d spend time talking about their behavior, “venting” about it, thinking about it, recovering from it, staying involved in it because I had to, they were my family and they needed me. I had to deal with the hurt because it came with them.
They made me feel horrible at times, angry at times. They made my blood pressure rise. They made me bitter at times. They ate away at my life, my peace, my health. They, they, they.
In reality, and it took me a while to realize this, THEY didn’t do any of those things to me. I did those things to me. I allowed myself to have/continue those feelings because I told myself I had to.
The thing is, I didn’t HAVE TO! You don’t HAVE TO! Nobody can make you do anything. You always have a choice. And I was choosing to be miserable.
“Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions.” - Stephen Covey
What my family did was real; I couldn’t control how they behaved. But I could’ve controlled my reaction. I sure wish I’d learned this sooner. But a lesson learned late is still a lesson learned.
Now, I no longer allow them to take control of my life. How did I flip that switch? I had to let them go, another hard thing. I didn’t/don’t have enough control over myself to keep them in my life AND keep calm, so I did what I needed to do.
I felt sorrow when I made the decision to remove my family’s problems (them) from my life, but it didn’t change who I was. They didn’t define me anymore.
In my opinion it’s a combination of positive attitude and active choices. Some things I can make it through on positivity alone, some things need active change. Like a physically abusive relationship…no amount of positivity makes that okay. It requires active change.
For me, I don’t think I could’ve begun to develop a more proactive response until I got out of my reactive rut.
Incidentally, I didn’t learn that I needed to let go by reading this book. My body told me I needed to do that because my health was truly suffering. My anxiety and stress got so high, it was affecting all aspects of my life. And I knew I had to make a change, no matter who agreed with me or not.
I think making an effort to not be affected by others is a great trait to work on. I do believe it is a part of being highly effective. When you have control of what’s inside of you, what happens outside of you can’t control you. Only one entity can have control of you at a time. If it’s always you, then you don’t have to worry about anyone else taking over.
“No one can hurt you without your consent.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt.
The mind has so much more power than we give it credit for. People, through their minds alone, have performed great feats.
In his book, Covey uses the man Victor Frankl as an example of proactivity. Victor was a Jewish psychiatrist who was imprisoned in a Nazi death camp. He was stripped of every human decency there is. The Nazis controlled everything about him, his body, his actions, his fate. But Victor knew that there was one thing the Nazi’s couldn’t control: his mind. He exercised the freedom of his mind to gain control over his emotions. He projected himself into different circumstances until his freedom grew. Eventually his inner control began to control his outer circumstances. His captors marveled at his ability to “overcome”. Victor, in the most indignant and horrific circumstances used his control over himself to not only ultimately free himself, but to inspire others to find meaning in their captivity.
That’s pretty inspiring.
Think about the most inspiring people you know.
Often times in culture, the people who inspire us the most are those who have overcome the largest adversities with positivity and determination. Captives, those with handicaps, etc. Isn’t it amazing how their ability to transcend circumstances inspires us so much (even if that inspiration is temporary)? It’s a wow moment, an I-want-to-be-that-mentally-strong moment.
____________
Yeah, yeah, being proactive sounds great, but how do you stop letting things get to you though?
Answer: Like you do anything, you make a conscious effort to make change and you work on it relentlessly. Just as reactivity becomes a habitual response, so can proactivity. Start by wanting to, then start by picking one thing to work on. Work on that ONE thing until you master it.
But, Melissa, I’m just an emotional person. I can’t help—
NO! That’s a cop-out, an excuse. You aren’t just anything and you can help everything. (That’s me talking to me and anyone else out there whose tempted to excuse their behavior.)
Until you can admit that you are what you are today because of the choices you made yesterday, you cannot say, “ I choose otherwise.” - Covey
It’s true. It’s not the occurrence, but the response.
Book Review: The Sanitorium
The atmosphere in this book is what makes it. I enjoyed this read, but I’ll be honest, when I was listening to the audio, I drifted a little, meaning it didn’t always hold my attention. However, it’s well regarded, and I think worth a read if you’re into who-done-its, gothic mysteries, or stuck-in-a-mansion-with-no-way-of-escape-in-a-snowstorm type stuff.
I read this one ultimately because it seemed a little like the first novel I wrote: 2 young people trapped in a gothic inn, trying to figure out how to get back home while being held captive by a psycho. Similar concepts, different execution.
Goodreads summary of the book:
Half hidden by forest and overshadowed by threatening peaks, Le Sommet has always been a sinister place. Long plagued by troubling rumors, the former abandoned sanatorium has since been renovated into a five-star minimalist hotel.
An imposing, isolated getaway spot high up in the Swiss Alps is the last place Elin Warner wants to be. But Elin's taken time off from her job as a detective, so when her estranged brother, Isaac, and his fiancée, Laure, invite her to celebrate their engagement at the hotel, Elin really has no reason not to accept.
Arriving in the midst of a threatening storm, Elin immediately feels on edge--there's something about the hotel that makes her nervous. And when they wake the following morning to discover Laure is missing, Elin must trust her instincts if they hope to find her. With the storm closing off all access to the hotel, the longer Laure stays missing, the more the remaining guests start to panic.
Elin is under pressure to find Laure, but no one has realized yet that another woman has gone missing. And she's the only one who could have warned them just how much danger they are all in...
New Onyx podcast now available!
Arborite Countertops
by
Jerri Jerreat
- Listen to the author narrate her own story: Heather welcomes the challenges of modern frontier living with her childhood sweetheart and their children, but as time and things change, she wonders if the parts of her she’s lost are gone for good.
During the podcast interview, JW and I talk with Jerri Jerreat about her love and respect for nature, and how that weaves its way into her work. You might also learn a surprising lifelong wish, and we guarantee, it will surprise you! Jerri also offers insight into ways writers can improve their craft by riding the bus.
Final thoughts:
If you have a problem with someone, do you spend time talking about how horrible the person/problem is, or do you try to come up with ways you can work with or around the problem?
Don’t wait for something good to happen to you. Don’t blame other people for where you find yourself. Own your own responsibility and reaction. You can control how you respond. It’ll take work, but it’s possible. People do it all the time, and if you say someone else can but you can’t, it’s just another excuse you’re telling yourself to keep yourself from your full potential.
I don’t know about you, but I’m pumped! I’m liberated by my positive action forward. And I have enjoyed this first habit. Ultimately, I agree. I’ve put my own spin on Covey’s work, but it’s working for me. I’ll buy habit #1. I’ll subscribe to its newsletter.
What are your thoughts about habit #1? Are you inspired or rolling your eyes? Let me know what you’re struggling with or what you’ve conquered. Email me! I’d love to hear from you!
Have a great week!
Much glitter,
Melissa
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