Want to control everything? I do.
Today’s focus: Worrying about what you cannot control.
In this Edition:
Quote
Update: Jam and no book news
Motivate: Redirecting your thoughts when they tend toward the negative.
Medical Moment: Ashwagandha
What I’m reading: skipping this week as I’m still reading Book Lovers. It’s long!
New Onyx Podcast: Ghost Bike
Final thoughts
Update:
Good day to you!
I hope you’re having a great week. This past week for me has been filled with jam. I learned to make and can jam, and it’s quite fun. I also spent the week reading, catching up on tasks, and watching my daughter finish her kindergarten year. It’s officially summer at our house.
Time flies. Having children makes me see it all the more, and lately, as I watch their faces change and look back at old photos of when they were tiny babies, I realize how precious every day is, how I don’t want to waste it.
No real book news this week! Patience.
Motivate:
Do you ever find yourself fretting over things you can’t change? I know I have. I’ve worried myself nearly sick about life circumstances and incidents that I could do absolutely nothing about. Does my worry change anything? Usually not.
There are so many things in life that we can’t change or that are totally out of our control.
If we, woah-not we, me…If I had control of everything in life, I’d be doing great.
How many times have you said or thought, “if only”?
If only I had the right house.
If only I had the right car.
If only an editor loved my book.
If only my kids were well behaved.
If only I had a maid.
If only I had (or didn’t have) a person to share my life with.
If only I had giant piles of money to casually roll around in.
If only my family member wasn’t a narcissistic cow.
If only my boss would show me some respect.
…
The list goes on.
Trying to control everything is a way some people manage anxiety. My main character’s mother (Aurora Auberge) in THE FALSE FLAT has this problem. I’ve also written a bit of this trait into a character in THE LOVE PENTAGON, the new romancy women’s fiction that I’m delighted to be writing.
But whether we’re trying to control people and surroundings or we’re eaten up with anxiety over things beyond our control, a lot of our focus can be diverted to this unproductive thought process.
Why can’t life be like we think it should be? Why can’t people be like we think they should be?
How much of your time do you spend wishing something or someone in your life was different?
On Saturday, my family and I planned our day around a visit to a lab for Aerie’s (my 6yo) allergy testing. I was told to call ahead. I called ahead Friday, confirming that Saturday would work. The woman on the phone said “Yes, Saturday’s great. Come anytime.” We walked in. We were told they don’t do allergy labwork on Saturdays. The woman proceeded to tell me that she’d overheard my conversation with Ms. Saturday’s-fine the other day, but couldn’t catch her before she hung up. Lovely. I had my mask on, so she couldn’t see my face, but I held it together, even said it was fine as she apologized again.
My family and I left the office, and I wanted to scream. We’d planned our morning around getting that done. We left the house later, etc. Honestly, I was irritated, but in that moment, I had a choice. I could brood about the injustice, or I could attempt to let it go and salvage the remainder of the morning.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and stopped myself from complaining about it or thinking about it. If it came back up in my mind, I pushed it out.
Later, on our trip home from strawberry picking (very enjoyable, by the way), we saw a tiny baby deer and its parent cross the street. We oohed and aahed, even slowed down to watch it scamper into the woods. Well, my 3yo somehow missed this, and she was VERY upset. She wanted us to turn around, go off-roading into the woods, do whatever we had to do so she’d be able to see that BABY DEER!
She was really wailing, so I turned to her calmly, smiling pleasantly, and told her she had two choices. (I honestly don’t know how to talk to children, so I talk to my kids like they’re adults). I explained that she could express regret over having missed the deer, but then try to let it go, choosing to enjoy the moments that came after the deer OR she could keep crying and screaming and spend the rest of her time in the car miserable over something she could do nothing about.
Hand to chin, she looked at me and said, “Mother, I do believe you’re right. How astute of you point that out. I honestly hadn’t considered my options, but now it’s so clear, like my whole life has been tainted by dense fog that has suddenly lifted by your enlightened proposal of choice.”
Yeah, no. That’s how I saw it going in my head. In reality, she said, “I WANNA SEE THAT BABY DEER RIGHT NOW.”
I quietly faced the windshield, whispering, “I guess she’s going with choice B,” to the others in the car that couldn’t possibly hear me because…screaming.
She’s 3, so she’s still working to control those emotions, and most of the time, she does a shockingly good job. But as adults, we have less of an excuse.
Worrying about things you can’t change:
1. Increases your anxiety and inflates the problem.
2. Wastes time and energy that could be going to something else productive.
3. It makes you weaker mentally, occupying space in your head by kicking other things out.
4. You’re less attuned to other problems around you.
5. Borders on selfish. You’re focus is pulled from others while you’re stuck thinking about all the negative aspects of your problem. Which, in turn, can damage relationships.
6. Increases your likelihood of judging people more harshly. If you’re in a bad mood because you’re choosing to focus on something negative that you can do nothing about, you’re more likely to see other things in a negative light.
7. Might cause you to start blaming yourself. “If only I’d…”
8. Keeps you from moving forward.
But just dropping things out of your mind and suddenly being “fine” with everything isn’t reasonable.
There’s a Bob Newhart video that I adore. A friend of mine shared it with me in college. It is the essence of what we need to do when we get caught up worrying about things we can’t change. You can (and should) watch it here.
So how do you just stop worrying and lighten your proverbial load?
1. Recognize what you’re doing and define whether it’s something you can or can’t control.
2. Make a conscious effort to change your behavior. If you find yourself talking about or worrying about something you can’t control, continually push it out of your mind. Just as thinking about something can become a pattern, not thinking about it can too. One step at a time.
3. Physically let go of your worries. I haven’t tried this one, but it works for some. Write your concern on a piece of paper and burn it. Or write it on a balloon and pop it. Do Tai Chi and visualize your problems as a marble being shot from your mouth like a cannon. Something along these lines.
4. Exercise. When you start becoming consumed with negative thoughts, burn it away with physical activity until you’re too tired to keep it on your mind.
5. Focus on what you can control.
6. Talk it out with a trusted friend of family member. Sometimes it helps to unburden ourselves. We feel lighter because we admit our issues aloud. Sometimes we seek answers. Other times, that listening ear does wonders.
7. List the things you enjoy and do them. What relaxes you? A bath, meditation, prayer, a movie, some yard work, etc. What makes you happy? Do it. Has this happened to you before? If so, recall what you did the last time to feel better. Ask other people what they did to feel better. This can be trial and error time.
(Be careful not to use your problem as an excuse to take up a bad habit or spend money you don’t have or treat yourself to addictive substances or unhealthy splurges. Feeling “justified” to do something you know is bad for you because you’re “having a rough time” is counterproductive and not the answer.)
8. Focus on the positives of your situation. (At least I had a car to get back in when we left the doctor’s office and my family and I were together, etc.) List your blessings or good fortunes. Think of all the things in life that make you smile or that you’re grateful for. This helps put your situation in perspective and turns your focus on good things.
9. Practice accepting your situation. Just like I told myself as we left the lab and just as I told Amorette when she was throwing a fit about not seeing the deer, you may not be able to control the thing around you, but you can control yourself and your reaction. And if you don’t attempt to control it from the start with the items above, it will control you, and you’ll find yourself having physical symptoms that you can’t control.
10. I take a whole-body approach to health, so I’d also include here that you should tend to your physical health and spiritual health as well. Mental is only one part of being healthy. If you’re feeding your mouth garbage, it’s easier for your body to malfunction. It’s like you’re already starting from behind. And if you’re not feeding your spirit, again, you’re only treating a part of the problem.
Final thoughts below
Medical Moment: Ashwagandha
I love modern medicine, but there’s also something to be said for ancient, natural medicine as well. Since we’re discussing topics that lend to anxiety and stress, I thought I’d share my love for Ashwagandha, an evergreen shrub used in Ayurveda, the ancient Indian practice of “natural healing” to help relieve anxiety and stress.
Ashwagandha, also called Indian ginseng, can be found OTC, as a capsule or gummy. I take it every day, and I love it.
Research studies have shown that people who take ashwagandha have decreased stress, anxiety, and better focus with no adverse events/side effects. (Of note, it also possibly lowers blood sugar, decreases body inflammation, improves sleep, improves sexual function, boosts male fertility, and sharpens focus and memory) It effects your levels of cortisol, helping to regulate your response to stress. The research studies I evaluated showed significant benefit after 60-90 days of daily ashwagandha use.
I decided to try it because my cortisol levels were off because of an episode of extreme stress last year. I didn’t research it. I took it based on a recommendation from my new practitioner, and I saw near-immediate results. I’m calmer, less prone to anxiety, more me, and less scattered.
I have since researched the product, because I’m not a placebo type of gal, and am very impressed with the results. The power of this natural supplement is quite promising.
You might want to consider trying this supplement. Run it by your medical provider. And be careful which supplement you take. All supplements aren’t created equal.
(If you’re taking sedative medications, thyroid meds, BP meds, or anti-diabetic meds, use caution. This herb might help treat your condition, like improve thyroid function and lower BP, etc, which might effect how much of those drugs you need.
Personally, I love the Gaia Herbs Professional Solutions brand. I haven’t tried any other kind. But if you are interested in trying ashwagandha, look on the back of your bottle, check the ingredients, and make sure it comes from a company with a good reputation. Some come with black pepper, which might increase the effectiveness of the herb.
I take 700mg per day, 350mg of the extract or 2,700mg of dry herb equivalent PER DOSE. (1 pill, twice daily)
The OTC supplements I see out there vary wildly on doses. Lower doses may be effective for you, or you might need higher. In the studies used to evaluate effectiveness of this herb, the daily dose was usually between 500mg-1,000mg, so that might be a good place to start.
While I can’t tell you which brand is best, I can push you in the direction I would start if I were trying it for the first time:
1. Gaia Herbs Professional Solutions, Ashwagandha Root,
2. Gaia Herbs Ashwagandha Root
3. Goli Nutrition Ashwagandha gummies The only thing I don’t like about these is the 7 grams of carb in each dose, unnecessary sugar in the diet. But a friend uses these and likes them.
4. Oweli – this one comes with a money-back guarantee.
If you order from amazon, make sure it’s coming from the manufacturer.
Let me know if you try it!
New Onyx Short Story & Podcast:
Written by: R. Gene Turchin
Narrated by: Melissa Collings
Ironically, this story fits into the theme of letting go of what you can’t control. You can’t control other people’s actions or beliefs, some times you have to find a way to live with them or live without them.
Not all choices are choices, and some result in devastating consequences -- on lives, on families, on relationships. After this flash fiction work, J. W. and I talk with Gene Turchin about the germination of this story and its many iterations before landing at Onyx. Gene also espouses the benefits of writing every day and exploring multiple genres, including some that might surprise you.
Final thoughts:
When you’re able to let go of the things you can’t control, you’re happier, less stressed, more successful, awake to opportunities, and you teach/inspire others around you by your reaction.
This is something I’m constantly working on, and I had a much better day when I actively decided that I wasn’t going to let one experience get me down. I retained a piece of my life I would’ve otherwise lost.
What are you going to do this week when something happens that you don’t like but you have no control over?
Have a great week!
Until next time, much glitter,
Melissa
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