Are you a people-pleaser?
Today’s focus: When to say NO.
In this edition:
The Quote
Update
Motivate: Over-commitment and Boundaries
Book Review: THE UNHONEYMOONERS
Medical Moment: The Dirty Dozen
Final thoughts
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
— Lao Tzu
“Freedom isn’t the ability to say yes, it’s the ability to say no.”
Update:
Happy Monday! (If you’re reading this Monday. I know some of you don’t.)
I really enjoy creating this newsletter. Ultimately, I hope you get a nugget you can take away for your week. But also in writing this, I keep myself on my personal path forward, and, as always, I’m honored that you’ve joined me on this journey.
But...
There are moments, like right now, when I sit down and stare at the “Update” section of my newsletter and I want to punch it in the face. I’m writing my 4th novel, and I could tell you how it’s still going well, but what I really want to be telling you about is how I heard from my agent and all about the next step in this crazy publishing journey of mine.
I cannot do this thing. Why? Because I have no news. None. Crickets are in my email, and they are playing a sad little ballad called Nada.
I’m actually not pining away or even that upset about it because I know I’ll hear something at some point. I still love my agent. I know she still believes in my work. And I know it’ll be the right timing. And worrying doesn’t get me anywhere, so I’m trying not to waste time on worrying about things I cannot change.
Now, next Monday, if I still have NO news, then I might be ready to rip the legs off those crickets. (Note: I do not promote violence against insects. Who am I kidding? I definitely do. The ants currently bombarding my kitchen would tell you the truth if they were alive to do so.)
Motivate:
I have always been (up until about a year ago) a people-pleaser. I don’t like confrontation, and I want people to like me. This has caused me problems in the past. I’ve said yes when I’ve wanted to say no. This has almost exclusively occurred when someone has needed something from me, and I’d risk hurting myself to make sure they got what they needed.
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been reminded of this life issue several times now. I’ve touched on this topic before, but I’d like to focus on it again today.
While I care less about what people think of me, I still want to avoid confrontation, but I’m on my way to accepting that sometimes that’s a part of life.
Recently my mother and I were on a walking trail, and my 3 y.o. was in a stroller, not feeling 100%. Out of nowhere, this medium-sized dog came charging at us, unleashed and barking ferociously. I ran to step in front of my daughter’s stroller, concerned this dog was in attack mode. The owner laughingly apologized, but made little attempt to control her dog. I was highly uncomfortable, really I was angry. I wanted to snap at the woman, but, like I said, I don’t like confrontation, so I was ready to walk quickly away, silently fuming. My mother, on the other hand, yelled out, “Leash your dog!”
After my initial moment of shock at my mother, I admired her, and I wished I’d been the one to speak out. She might’ve actually created change and spared someone else the fright of a charging dog. The owner wasn’t likely being malicious; she just probably hadn’t thought about the impact of leaving her dog unleashed. My mother speaking up could’ve also saved the dog’s life or the woman a lawsuit because of TN leash laws. My mother’s gut reaction was to verbally protect her grandchild, mine was to silently throw myself into harm’s way and say nothing because I didn’t want to confront the woman.
Another occurrence happened with a friend lately. This friend recently declined to do something because she’d been trying to set boundaries and say no when she really didn’t have the time to spare. It’s been a struggle for her because she wants to please the people around her. She’s learning how to say no, but still be a nice person.
Making Assumptions
When we try to please other people to be “nice”, we make assumptions that might be dangerous and/or irritating. For example, the age-old dinner question…
How many times has someone asked you where you wanted to go for dinner? If you’re a people-pleaser, your first thought is to try to assume where the other person wants to go. Inside you really want Chinese from the place down the street, but you assume your friend wants Mexican because you know they love Mexican food. Mexican food gives you heartburn, but here’s how the conversation goes:
You: “Where do you want to go?”
Friend: “Where do you want to go?”
You, salivating over the thought of Chinese food: “Oh, I don’t care. What sounds good to you?”
Friend: “You really don’t care? What about Mexican? You up for that?”
You: “Sure!”
You’ve eaten your Mexican meal, and on the way out of the restaurant, your friend spots a Chinese place across the street.
Friend: “Oh look!’ and points to the Chinese place. “I haven’t had Chinese food in so long. I wish we’d thought about that for dinner!”
If you’d said what you wanted rather than tried to please your friend, you both would’ve been happier. You wouldn’t have heartburn and you would resent your friend for “making” you eat at a Mexican restaurant.
You can’t assume what the other person wants. And if you’re trying to make someone else happy and you make the wrong assumption, then you could set yourself up for resentment. “I do so much for this person, and they aren’t appreciative.”
Maybe that’s because they never wanted it in the first place! You become bitter/resentful and the other person could end up irritated.
Everyone has to live their own life. If you’re doing what’s best for you, others will understand, or they should. You shouldn’t try to guess what others want. Try being forthcoming with your desires and preferences. It’ll most likely work best for all involved.
Over-commitment because you feel guilty saying no:
Saying yes becomes a habit, which means you do it even when you don’t have the time because you think it’s what other people want from you. But when you say yes and you really don’t have the time, you’re saying no to something or someone else. Sometimes that’s family or friends or colleagues that really need you. Sometimes by saying “yes” to someone else, you’re saying “no” to yourself and your health.
That’ll catch up with you in time, and you aren’t doing the other person any favors because you’re not only building potential resentment, you probably aren’t doing your best work. How can you? You don’t have the time!
Yes. No.
〰️
Yes. No. 〰️
How do you we stop people-pleasing?
1.) Establish your priorities from the start and stay true to what you value.
2.) Take time to decide whether you want to take on a task, especially if emotions are involved. Don’t make a rash decision. If you always say yes, start by saying maybe, then craft your response later when you aren’t under so much pressure. Tell someone you need to get back with them after you check your schedule.
3.) Do you want to do it? Do you have time to do it? If the answer is no, then the answer is no. You can’t make time you don’t have. Saying yes could be unfair to you and the other person. If you can’t give something your all, then perhaps you shouldn’t take it on.
4.) Get comfortable with the idea that you might make someone upset. It’s okay to upset people. You cannot please all of the people all the time! It’s impossible. The sooner you realize that, the better off your relationships will be. Anger or frustration might be a person’s initial response, but that might cool to complete understanding later.
The other side of this coin: be prepared to let go of toxic relationships. You might not have even realized they were toxic. If people can’t support you doing what’s healthy for you, you need to evaluate whether they really need to be in your life. Phew! Strong words.
5.) You can say no without an explanation. We feel obligated to explain why we say no, but we don’t have to. “I can’t.” is an absolutely fine response. Though, some bold people will ask why, so be prepared for that.
(Continued in Final thoughts below…)
Book review:
The Unhoneymooners
Category: Romance
I’ve been on a Christina Lauren kick lately, probably because someone in my writing group said my writing style reminded her of Christina Lauren’s books. Naturally, I wanted to see why.
I loved this book! From start to finish, this book was an utter delight. I couldn't wait to get back to it when I had to stop reading. The scenario is a little far-fetched, so if you have a problem with novel events being "too coincidental," this one might not be your favorite. But the humor and the banter between these two main characters (Olive and Ethan) was priceless! I laughed out loud many times, was always smiling, and felt the giddiness of two people falling for each other even when they actively did not want to. This is enemies-to-lovers done right.
The humorous underlying tone in this book is what I hope to create in my own work and was very reminiscent of the novel I’m working on now.
Highly recommend!
Goodreads summary:
Olive is always unlucky: in her career, in love, in…well, everything. Her identical twin sister Ami, on the other hand, is probably the luckiest person in the world. Her meet-cute with her fiancé is something out of a romantic comedy (gag) and she’s managed to finance her entire wedding by winning a series of Internet contests (double gag). Worst of all, she’s forcing Olive to spend the day with her sworn enemy, Ethan, who just happens to be the best man.
Olive braces herself to get through 24 hours of wedding hell before she can return to her comfortable, unlucky life. But when the entire wedding party gets food poisoning from eating bad shellfish, the only people who aren’t affected are Olive and Ethan. And now there’s an all-expenses-paid honeymoon in Hawaii up for grabs.
Putting their mutual hatred aside for the sake of a free vacation, Olive and Ethan head for paradise, determined to avoid each other at all costs. But when Olive runs into her future boss, the little white lie she tells him is suddenly at risk to become a whole lot bigger. She and Ethan now have to pretend to be loving newlyweds, and her luck seems worse than ever. But the weird thing is that she doesn’t mind playing pretend. In fact, she feels kind of... lucky.
Medical Moment:
You may be aware that pesticides contaminate a lot of our foods. These pesticides have all kinds of medical consequences.
Buying organic isn’t perfect, but it can help. However, organic food is expensive. If you’re trying to make healthier choices to set yourself up for health success, I wanted to share with you some of the foods that have the highest pesticide content.
If you’re not ready to buy organic everything, consider buying the following foods from organic sources as these foods have been tested and are dirty:
Final thoughts:
Just because you say yes to everything, doesn’t make you a nice person.
You can still be kind and thoughtful and even empathetic and say no when you need to or stand up for yourself when you have to.
It takes practice, especially when you aren’t used to it. But if you say no, when you need/should say no, life opens up for you. Less stress, more confidence, more time to do what you want and need, more time to recharge, better relationships, you’ll even earn more respect from others.
I’m a huge advocate of thinking of others, but sometimes saying no IS thinking of others.
And honesty is the best policy. If you can’t do something, say it, be up front. If you say you’ll do something and then don’t do it just to avoid confrontation, you become untrustworthy and your integrity slips. If you can’t do it or don’t want to, be honest so the other person can make other arrangements/preparations, etc.
Evaluate your commitments and be intentional with your time. You’ll be better off for it.
I give you permission to say no when you need to. I give you permission to speak up when you need to. And don’t confuse acceptance with being nice; that can be potentially the rudest thing you can do.
You don’t need permission, of course, but some of us really need to work on this. I need to work on this.
Knowing and doing are two different things though. So, I’m going to work on this.
Let’s do together.
Have a great week!
Until next time, much glitter,
Melissa
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