Knowing your limits.
In this Edition:
Quote
Update: I heard from my agent. The time is near!
Motivate: Being honest about your needs.
Medical Moment: Chia seeds
What I’m reading (still).
Final thoughts
Update:
Hello! I hope you’ve had a lovely weekend and are ready to hit this Monday in the face. Today is your day, and even though it’s Monday, especially since it’s Monday, you need to own this day. Why? Because you can’t control the fact that it’s Monday, but you can control yourself.
I had planned to dive into the topic of not fretting over things you cannot change, but something happened in the last few days to change that. I had a moment of gained momentum, followed by a loss. And I found this newsletter heading in an entirely different direction than I’d planned. So I’ll save my thoughts on “things you cannot change” for next week.
Momentum gained…
Before a book is published it goes through a great many revisions. It starts out potentially hideous (though usually not to the adoring author), like a featherless baby bird, and then with feedback, rewrites and more feedback, the book begins to take shape and fly.
My book is ready to fly, people. Not quite across the country, but my agent has contacted me, and she is ready to start submitting THE FALSE FLAT, my women’s fiction novel, to editors for their thoughts. She’s writing her submission letter now and will let me know when she starts pushing send on those emails.
If you pray, pray for me and my book. If nothing else, send me all your positive thoughts and vibes. You’re in this with me, and if (when?) an editor falls in love with my manuscript, then you, Subscriber First Name, will be one the first people I tell. If it doesn’t happen, you’ll also be one the first people I’ll tell, but I’ll be crying, so it’s more like a threat in that case. Success or fail, I’ll be okay, but I sure hope it’s a success.
Motivate:
And as life is about balance, as soon as my agent told me this great news about my previous novel, one of my writer friends told me that I wrote a scene in my new novel that made her very upset.
Week by week, I’m sharing scenes of my new book with my small writer’s group. And as I’ve told you, I’ve been on a roll with this one. My progress has slowed only because I’ve been reading a friend’s work, but I’ve maintained my enthusiasm…until Friday of last week.
We share written notes with one another in a google doc, so I see when someone has commented on my week’s “submission.” (I get an email.) One writer had already made some excellent suggestions for improvement and went so far to say that she thought the scene was hilarious and great. So when I saw another member of the group in the document, I was excited. Then her comments started rolling in.
She didn’t like parts of the scene, which caused very negative feelings about a character. If I’m honest, it was a gut punch. I had had so much fun writing that scene. It was between two “enemies” that were obviously attracted to one another, and I thought it was charming, utterly delightful. So while I had anticipated recommendations and suggestions, and welcomed them (you can’t get better without honest criticism), I was not prepared for her comments. And they got me second guessing my intuition and my ability to write this story. (however fleeting)
I’d been rolling with the words, the story cooking up like perfectly browned hot cakes on a griddle, and then… my hot cakes turned to cooled, lifeless batter.
I might be exaggerating a bit (and definitely getting carried away in the metaphor), but it wasn’t far from how I felt.
She had every right to tell me exactly what she did. She gave me what I always ask for in readers: honesty. I value her opinions, thoughts, and impressions. She’s a solid writer. And in another phase of writing, I might’ve still been hurt, but it wouldn’t have shaken me. The only problem with her feedback was the timing.
I’m in the middle of writing this new book, and I need to keep my momentum. Knowing that certain opinions and thoughts might slow me down at this point, I should’ve considered waiting to get feedback until I had a full draft. But I got cocky and thought… “Let them read this masterpiece as I go and fuel my thought process!”
I’m pretty good at taking criticism. I usually take it in stride, gather feedback like pearls and turn it into a necklace. I don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial not to be able to learn from criticism. But it is healthy to know your limits. Certain things set me off, and when they do, I am the opposite of a master. I let those thoughts eat away at me like a novice writer.
Knowing this about myself, I’m doing what I need to do to keep moving forward. I chose not to discuss it at our group meeting because I knew negative comments on this one topic weren’t going to be productive for me. I was completely honest with my writing group. And they were incredibly supportive.
This happens to writers, but it happens in all aspects of life. I was told I’d said something to stunt another member’s progress a few weeks ago. I had no idea. It definitely makes me think of how I give feedback. How you say something is important. Delivery can mean encouragement or discouragement. We’re all fragile in some way.
This experience has taught me a few things:
1. To speak honestly about what’s bothering me. That might simply mean admitting to myself that I’m not bullet-proof. If I’d kept silent, I would’ve quietly suffered and potentially received the same kind of feedback at a time I wasn’t ready. If I wanted to make progress, I knew what I needed to do and not do. But I had to implement that knowledge.
2. Stand up for yourself; inform others of your expectations. No one knows what you need unless you tell them. They can’t read your mind, and you can’t blame them if you haven’t set up those expectations. We can’t be mad at people when they don’t act the way we want if we haven’t told them our desires in the first place. It’s unreasonable. It’s only a problem if the other person knows and then willfully disregards.
3. People who truly have your back will appreciate your honesty. If someone makes you feel bad about your feelings or weaknesses, they aren’t people you need to be around. My writing group was very encouraging. They felt the need to “cheerleader” me a little, which wasn’t strictly necessary, but I left the meeting feeling a lot better about my ability to keep going.
4. It’s okay to not be perfect. We live in a society where you’re not expected to show your weaknesses. We all have weakness, and sometimes when you own your weakness, you strengthen it. I didn’t want to care so much, but I did.
5. It’s freeing to live more genuinely.
6. People usually feel similar and feel “seen” or not alone when you express general human emotions.
I’m following a “money coach” on Instagram as book research for this new masterpiece I’m writing (I don’t have a laughing emoji on my desktop, so imagine one here.) As a previous employment attorney, she recently did a video about corporate America and how “your personality needs to fit into their culture.” Essentially, you have to jump hoops and “play a part.” One of my best friends works in corporate America, and I don’t think she’d disagree. I’ve asked her questions for previous book research, and this phenomenon appears real.
It’s so easy to fall into a trap of thinking that you have to be a certain way or hide your feelings because in some places that’s true. You do. That’s what you have to do to succeed. But phew, that’s damaging to mental health and what pressure!
(see Final thoughts below)
Medical Moment: Chia seeds
Our diets typically have an abundance of omega 6 fatty acids (because of all the vegetable oils we consume), but we need to balance omega 6’s with omega 3’s, and chia seeds are a great low carb, high fiber way of doing that.
They are high in:
Omega-3 fatty acids
iron
calcium
antioxidants
fiber
Some protein too
They also help regulate blood sugar and improve your HDL (good cholesterol — the higher the better)
They can be used in place of oatmeal or in oatmeal for increased nutrition.
Chia seed pudding recipe:
Photo courtesy of loveandlemons.com
Ingredients
2 tablespoon chia seeds
1/2 cup coconut milk, almond milk, or milk of choice
1 teaspoon honey, maple syrup or other sweetener, optional (I’ve used a ripe mashed banana as well. It works.)
Strawberries or other fruits for topping
Nuts or seeds for topping, also optional
Instructions
Pour ingredients into a jar and mix well. Let settle for 2-3 minutes then mix again very well until you see no clumping.
Cover the jar and store in fridge overnight or for at least 2 hours.
When you’re ready to eat it, top with your favorite fruit and enjoy cold!
You can pretty much play with your basic recipe and add anything you want. Stephen made me a cooked/hot version to speed up the “setting”. I put peanut butter and chocolate chips in it and it was yummy.
What I’m reading:
This week, I’m still working on Book Lovers by Emily Henry. I am thoroughly enjoying it, but I haven’t had a lot of reading time. I’m anticipating a formal recommendation for this one next week.
Category: Romance
Final thoughts:
Once I rev myself up again and have a first draft of this novel, I’ll be able to incorporate hard, but valid feedback without it crippling me. Until then, I’m going to hold fast to what I know works for me. That might mean holding my pages a little closer to the chest until they’re all filled in, but it might not. Time will tell.
I hope you foster your needs this week. Don’t be afraid to make your weaknesses known (with people you trust), but also don’t be afraid to make sure you’re getting what you need. You don’t have to needlessly endure something if you aren’t ready or you’re miserable doing so.
Maybe you have to push through, but if you don’t, find a way to lighten your load by being honest with yourself (if nobody else).
That’s something we can control, but what about all those things in life that happen that we can’t control? We’ll explore that topic next week! (Inspired by some friends who just purchased a house in this crazy market and also a great conversation I had with another friend.)
Have a great week!
Until next time, much glitter,
Melissa
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