Join me for a pity party?
This blog should be posted on date: September 19
Quote.
Update: Novel(s) feedback.
Experimental new section: Highlight of the week.
Motivate: A pity party.
Book discussion: What I’m reading now.
Bookish bonus.
Final thoughts.
Update:
I hope you’re well.
This past week, I heard from 2 of my beta readers who were reading The Love Pentagon. One reader finished and said, “I loved it!” That put a huge smile on my face. A second reader told me she had about 100 pages left and was already sad because she didn’t want the book to end. Another huge smile. They made my week.
But I also received a rejection this week.
Those moments sting. Frequently when I tell people about rejections, they ask me if I’m okay.
As I’ve told you before, I let myself feel the sting of any kind of rejection. Of course, it bothers me. When we’re rejected in any format, it hurts, but my worth isn’t tied directly to whether or not I accomplish my goal of getting published. I won’t stop being capable if EVERYONE says “No.” My life will not crumble if all the big companies tell me that I haven’t written a book they want to promote.
So, the short answer to am I okay: absolutely.
The real question is: how do I define my worth? What makes you feel worthy or validated as a person?
While letting yourself feel those emotions is fine, healthy even, what you do after, matters most.
Do you feel sorry for yourself and let the news take you over or do you use it to fuel you or redirect your path?
That’s what I want to talk about in the motivate section of this newsletter below.
Potential new section: Highlight of the week.
I tried to find a picture to go with the topic I’m about to discuss, but I couldn’t do it. Oh, I found pictures, but I couldn’t stand looking at them. So, I settled on this, a well-named pullover. You’ll see what I mean. Keep reading…
You may have noticed that I haven’t had a “Medical Moment” section for some time. While I really loved doing those, I found myself getting side-tracked during my research, and it became time-consuming. So I decided to drop the Medical Moment section.
This week, I’m trying something new: A highlight from the week. Whether about writing or otherwise, there’s always something that sticks with me as the days pass between newsletters, a human moment we can connect over. I’ll see if you enjoy.
Here goes. This week, it’s an absolutely horrendous event that I almost don’t want to share. I have a little PTSD from it.
One morning, my alarm sang from the bathroom, where I keep it, so I’m forced to get out of bed to turn the alarm off. (A secret for helping to get up early).
Every morning, I pretty much have the same routine. Right before I leave the bedroom, I slip on a fluffy pullover. No matter the season, I love being cozy, and typically, I feel ready for the morning when I don my cozy. This morning was no different, I grabbed my pullover that had fallen onto the floor. And then, I felt a sting on my right shoulder. I pulled the neck of my shirt back, looked at the fabric.
Get ready…
I had a CENTIPEDE. A CENTIPEDE!!!!! IN MY PAJAMA SHIRT.
Was I okay? No, absolutely NOT. My heart slammed against my chest as I attempted to trap this CENTIPEDE in the fold of my shirt as I held it away from my body and tried to pull all my clothing off.
It’s hard getting your shirts off while you’re fisting a CENTIPEDE between the cloth of YOUR PAJAMAS.
I got desperate. I needed those items of clothing off, and it became painfully obvious that I couldn’t do it alone. I woke Stephen up and yelled instructions. He was half awake, and I’ll be honest, I wasn’t a patient wife. He took FOREVER to make sense of my directions. In all fairness, I’m not sure how clear I was being.
Together, we managed to get the shirts off me, and Stephen hunted for the CENTIPEDE in the discarded nightwear. He found it, in the shoulder of my shirt, STILL ALIVE. (I’d been squeezing that bastard!) He pulled it out. (I’m sick to my stomach just recounting this.). He flushed it.
And I showered for the next 25 minutes.
There you have it, one of the defining moments of last week for me.
I NEVER want to repeat that again. Now, I’m checking all my clothes before I put them on. Every. Time.
Motivate:
You may remember me talking about a non-fiction book I read a while back, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. The author starts with: Mentally strong people “Don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves.”
I’ve always believed this because I’ve seen it in action. It’s not pretty.
I’ll use her book as a frame to discuss the topic, something that feels applicable given this rather painful path to publication. And maybe you’ve been tempted to do this too.
The self-pity party:
Sometimes life seems stacked against us. Problems can add up at times. We might even find ourselves saying, “Can anything just go right for a change?”
Feeling sorry for ourselves is probably something we’ve all done, but self-pity is more of a state of mind. It’s when you begin to think that you can’t control anything in your life and that life is hopeless and you’re doomed. Or you let your circumstances completely change who you are.
Self -pity shifts blame onto something other than yourself so you feel better, a “woe-is-me. No-one-could-possibly-understand-my-troubles” mentality.
But indulging in self-pity is very destructive, and it:
1. Wastes time. Feeling sorry for yourself takes a lot of energy that you could be using to change your circumstances. It isolates you from solutions.
2. Leads to a negative life outlook.
3. Can become a life pattern you provoke BECAUSE of your attitude. (A self-fulfilling prophecy.)
4. Can keep you from dealing with other emotions and keep you stuck where you are, focusing on the wrong things.
5. Can cause you to miss the good and positive things happening to you.
6. Can cause you to have a “victim” mentality, which isn’t an attractive trait. Therefore, eventually, people stop wanting to be around you, and your relationships are damaged. It becomes obvious to others in your life that you aren’t interested in getting better.
So how does one stop feeling sorry for themselves?
Tips:
1. Behave in a way that makes it harder to indulge in self-pity. (volunteer for a worthy cause, do something for someone else, get active.) Dr. Morin suggests a trial-and-error approach to see what stops the cycle.
2. Re-frame your situation. Look at your situation in a different way. Look for the positives. What can you learn? How can you use your situation to help others?
3. Picture yourself giving advice to someone else. What would you tell them?
4. Think of other times you solved problems. Remember you have the skills to solve problems.
5. Catch the negative thoughts and don’t let yourself go there. (remove things like “I can’t handle anything else.” or “I just can’t catch a break.” from your vocabulary.
6. Develop a heart of gratitude. Look for things you easily take for granted. Write them down. Say what you’re grateful for. Ask others what they’re grateful for. Tell someone what they mean to you.
Like many things in life, a positive attitude and having a heart of gratitude takes practice. You have to do it every day to get good at it.
Book talk:
What I’m reading:
I got sucked into another nonfiction book called Outliers, The Story Of Success. I’m only 27% of the way in, but it’s very interesting. I’m fascinated by what makes people tick, and this book is exactly that. So far, it’s attempting to quantify what makes a person successful.
Have you read it? Heard of it?
I’ll let you know how it goes. It’s pretty slow, but the author has a method for how he wants to tell his story, and for now, I’m going with it.
A bookish extra: Find novels set in your area!
I ran across a website where you can search for books that have settings in any area of the country you’re interested in. So if you really want a book set in Nashville (or anywhere!), this website might help.
The map below shows which states are featured most in novels. Interesting!
Final thoughts:
When I talk about successes and failures, stressors or set-backs, never feel sorry for me. I share because we all have these things pop up, and it’s relevant. By reminding myself of these things, I hope I inspire you to either help yourself or help someone who might be struggling with an issue or to spare you from going down a path you might be tempted to journey.
Like I said earlier, I’ve watched people spiral into self-pity, and those examples are enough to keep me away from the pity party.
I have no reason to feel sorry for myself, even in the wake of disappointment.
And you, my friend, are an amazing individual. You have no reason to feel sorry for yourself either.
I’m grateful for you taking the time to spend some moments with me and my words.
Have a week filled with gratitude! (And glitter)
Melissa
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