Are you a good friend?
Today’s focus: The makings of a good friend
In this edition:
The Quote
Update
Motivate: 6 ways to strengthen a relationship.
Medical moment: snacks I love: more crackers!
Book Review: The Forever Girl
New kid’s YouTube video: The Duckling Gets a Cookie!?
Final thoughts
“‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.’”
—E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web
Update:
Sometimes life evens out. Something bad happens. Something good happens. And you’re left right in the middle, or perhaps where you were before.
That’s what happened to me this past week. On Monday, I heard from one of the agents who had my full novel.
My email pinged.
I saw the name.
I held my breath.
Stephen (my husband) was with me, and he asked me if I wanted him to read it before I did. I’m not that kind of person. I need to know before anyone else, so I opened the message, took a deep breath and read.
Here’s exactly what she said:
Dear Melissa,
Thank you so much for sharing THE FALSE FLAT with me. This story has all the elements I love—an interesting premise and a well built world. The writing is solid with a nice voice. A dynamic, interesting protagonist. It’s with a lot of regret I’m going to pass on offering representation. I just didn’t get that “must have” feeling when reading. Because I’m careful to keep my client list manageable, I’m being really selective about what authors/novels I take on. I know another agent will feel differently and I will be cheering you on from the sidelines.
Warmly,
AGENT
This was a great rejection letter. I was bummed for sure. BUT she told me my novel had all the right components. It just didn’t excite her enough.
I’m, of course, having all the thoughts: Is my story boring? Is it good enough to stand out in the crowded market? Will any agent be excited enough about it to take it on?
You know how you do. I think it’s human nature to have doubts. But I tried really hard not to let those thoughts consume me, even while a sense of dread nibbled at the back of my mind, that sense that this isn’t going to happen for me. I can always publish this book on my own, which I reminded myself of. For now, I want to try to do it traditionally.
Later that night, I happened to wake up around 11:30pm, needing a drink (just water, I promise). I tapped my phone to make sure I didn’t have an important missed call from family (I’m always worried someone is going to need me in the night.) and saw I had 2 new email notifications. I usually ignore these, but one was from an agent I’d sent my first chapter and book synopsis to, so I opened it immediately.
Here’s what she said:
Dear Melissa,
I have read your query for THE FALSE FLAT and am loving it so far! Please follow the instructions below to upload your full manuscript. I can't wait to dig in.
Thank you,
AGENT
Eeep! I went back to sleep smiling.
And just like that, I’m back at 4 agents reading my whole novel! Life changes quickly.
There’s something here, Subscriber First Name! Time will tell how this will end, and in the meantime, I’m trying my hardest not to get antsy.
Motivate:
If you’ve just joined this newsletter, we’ve been rummaging through the book: 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People and pulling out what we can to apply to our own lives.
We’ve made it through the first 3 habits (If you’d like to read previous newsletters, you can read them here on my blog.
Habit # 4 is Think win/win, but in the book, there’s a chapter between Habit 3 and 4 to help set up a transition of topics.
The first 3 habits are all about working on ourselves, our relationships with ourselves, and how we manage ourselves.
Habits 4-7 appear to be focused on how we work and interact with others.
“Self-mastery and self-disciple are the foundation of good relationships with others.”
Before I dig in, I want to say that I love the concepts within this chapter. It’s reminiscent of the love topic I did a few weeks ago.
Relationships fascinate me. It’s one of the reasons I love to write.
In this chapter, Covey introduces the idea of an emotional bank account, a place to make deposits and withdrawals.
Think about a relationship you have with someone. A friend, a spouse, a child, a parent. Doesn’t matter. Just pick a good one, one you treasure and trust. Now that you’re thinking of that relationship…what makes you value that person? Why do you trust them?
I’d venture to guess it’s because they treat you right and you trust them because they’ve been there for you over time, their actions show that they can be trusted. In short, they’ve contributed to their emotional bank account.
Any relationship is about balance. If you treat someone with respect, support, kindness, honesty, and you do what you promise or what is expected, then the funds in that account are large. And when that time comes that you aren’t a great friend, you’ll likely be forgiven the miss-step because, through many acts of support and friendship, you’ve built trust.
I have different types of friends in my life, but I’ll be honest, in a crisis, I wouldn’t feel comfortable calling on just any of those friends because we don’t have enough history. I’d say that everyone knows how to be a good friend, but that’s simply not true. It doesn’t necessarily come naturally. Relationships are work, and we make emotional “deposits” and “withdrawals” every day.
6 ways to strengthen a relationship:
1. Understand the individual. Make what’s important to another person important to you (as much as the person is).
How delighted are you when someone shows interest in what you’re doing or what you love or what you’re going through? I get all warm and fuzzy.
If ballet is important to your friend or child or spouse (etc.), and you want to show your friend that you care about them, then show interest in ballet, even if you never cared about it before…because you care about your friend and ballet is important to your friend.
This is huge. If you want to be a GREAT friend, show interest in what someone else finds important.
Try to understand the person, which means getting to know them. Value what they say. Listen. This seems like common sense, but so many people don’t do it. During a conversation, are we thinking about what the other person is saying or what we plan to say next?
Try to understand an individual the way you would want to be understood and treat them according to that understanding. You don’t treat them how you want to be treated. You treat them how they want to be treated and you know how they want to be treated by listening and paying attention.
2. Do the little things.
Small acts of kindness add up. They contribute to that “emotional bank account".” Getting someone a new pair of shoes (even if they don’t deserve it.), an unexpected Starbucks for a friend, a smile, a genuine compliment, a text, remembering a date, imply asking how someone is.
3. Keep your commitments.
If you say you’re going to do something, do it, unless you have a really good reason. Show up for the people you care about. The fastest way for someone to lose trust in you is for you to break a promise. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
4. Clarify expectations.
Make sure what you expect is the same as what someone else expects. People tend to judge other people on expectations.
Example:
My husband says he’s going to decorate for my birthday, throw a party.
I get excited. The whole day before, I think about the streamers, the balloons, the live band in our living room. What do you think will happen if, when I walk into my birthday party, I see one balloon, a small cake, and a candle? I’m going to be disappointed, very disappointed. I might even resent him. My definition of “decorating” is very different than my husbands. (This part is true. I’m a “throw confetti everywhere. He’s a ‘who’s gonna clean up this mess.”) In his eyes, he “decorated.” In my eyes, he blew up a balloon. We could’ve avoided my “ruined” birthday by discussing plans and expectations. During that discussion I could’ve told him what decorating means to me.
5. Don’t be duplicitous
Don’t talk about people behind their backs. If I start bad-mouthing one of our mutual friends to you, then you have no reason to trust that I won’t do the same to you when your back is turned or we’ve had a disagreement.
When you see someone maintaining integrity in all kinds of situations, you will likely be more open with them. The opposite is true. If you see someone performing small acts of dishonesty, then you’re less apt to get close because…they have a higher potential of betraying you.
6. When you do something wrong, apologize sincerely.
That’s self-explanatory. We all do things we need to apologize for. We all makes mistakes, have bad days. When you do apologize (takes courage), do it sincerely and try not to repeat the offense. Your apology becomes meaningless when you do it all the time.
(final thoughts below)
Medical Moment: Healthy Snacks
Hu Crackers. I love discovering new treats/food
Pros:
Gluten Free
No bad oils
Tasty
Con: Expensive
Book review: The Forever Girl
I read this one last summer, but never reviewed it. It’s the perfect time!
I honestly picked up this title because there was a girl on a bicycle on the cover, and the main character in my novel is a cyclist. I wanted to compare. Jill Shalvis is also apparently beloved. This is the only work I’ve read of hers, but I enjoyed it. And it fits with today’s theme. It’s about friendship and relationships. (A little sappy at times? Yes.)
Goodreads review:
When Maze returns to Wildstone for the wedding of her estranged bff and the sister of her heart, it’s also a reunion of a once ragtag team of teenagers who had only each other until a tragedy tore them apart and scattered them wide.
Now as adults together again in the lake house, there are secrets and resentments mixed up in all the amazing childhood memories. Unexpectedly, they instantly fall back into their roles: Maze their reckless leader, Cat the den mother, Heather the beloved baby sister, and Walker, a man of mystery.
Life has changed all four of them in immeasurable ways. Maze and Cat must decide if they can rebuild their friendship, and Maze discovers her long-held attraction to Walker hasn’t faded with the years but has only grown stronger.
New Kid’s YouTube Video: The Duckling Gets a Cookie!?
If you don’t know already, I have a YouTube channel with my daughter Aerie (now 6). This is strictly for fun, something we do together that I’m hoping will be a great memory maker for both my girls. Amorette (my 3 y.o.) joined us in filming and reading this book, which we read and filmed back in October.
This week was Aerie’s read-a-thon at school, and when I went to Aerie’s classroom to read a couple books to her class, the kids already knew me as Aerie’s teacher had showed our videos in class. That lit a fire under me to finish the video, which I did and posted this week.
If you’ve got children in your life who might enjoy this, here’s the link to the video.
Final thoughts:
I like the idea of an “emotional bank account.”
Our daily actions/interactions with someone make deposits or withdrawals. If we have invested in the shared account between us and someone else, we’ll likely reap the rewards: a solid relationship. If we’re constantly making withdrawals, we could find ourselves overdrawn, paying the penalties of a broken relationship. The more in dept we are, the harder it is to re-fill an account.
Today, or this week, think about someone else. Show interest in their loves, do the little things, show up for a friend, clarify expectations so resentment doesn’t build, live with integrity, and when you flub, apologize genuinely.
As with everything we build, a relationship takes time and effort, but little things over time add up more quickly than you think.
The world needs more kindness, and the more you give, the fuller you’ll find your own heart, and therein lies your purpose. Your kindness is needed, every day, all around you.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: thanks for reading. It means a lot to me, and as far as I’m concerned, you’ve contributed to our “emotional bank account” ;-)
Until next time, much glitter,
Melissa
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