Being Vulnerable
This post is from September 5, 2022
Quote
Update: Thoughts of my first reader.
Motivate: Do you let yourself be vulnerable?
Book discussion: The woes of my reading life.
Platform exploration: The secret to deeper connections.
Final thoughts
Update:
Hello!
I’m knee-deep in medical education, slowly getting my 100 hours of continuing medical education (CME). I want to rip my hair out, but on the bright side, I can definitely treat your migraine.
This week in writing news:
Still nothing to mention with THE FALSE FLAT.
As I shared last week, I sent my newest book out to my first 4 beta readers. I’ll hear most thoughts in early October, but since I live with one of the readers (Stephen, the hubs), I’ve been able to chat about my book as he’s read.
And he’s already finished!!
This tickles me SO much, but more than anything…he really liked it. His goal was 40 pages a day, but on that last day, he read 70 because…he couldn’t put it down. He had to know what happened. (insert sound of me squealing.) That…that is what I aim for.
He made some notes, suggested I enhance a few things, smooth out a few “rough” spots, but he said overall, he doesn’t have a ton of notes! Music to my ears. He thinks it might be my best work yet. Also music to my ears.
The only negative thing he mentioned was that the premise of the book relies on a lot of coincidence. I’m not sure whether or not to be concerned about this because the premise is FOUR men falling for a single, widowed mom after she’s decided to be inseminated with her deceased husband’s sperm. It’s a story about a woman who has to decide what she really wants when she thought she already knew.
I mean, the whole premise is a little “out there,” but I wrote the kind of book I like to read. If other people have trouble with that, I might have a problem, but we’ll see how it goes.
For now, I’m going to enjoy the fact that my husband read my book in 9 days and really enjoyed it. In the book, I tried to create 4 believable relationships that the reader could conceivably root for, and it was most fun seeing who Stephen wanted my main character to end up with. It varied as the book went on.
It’ll be a few more weeks before anyone else gives me feedback, and I’ll be honest in what they say. As you know, people like different things.
One person’s treasure is another’s trash. 😊
Motivate:
When are you most vulnerable?
There are times when being open and honest pays off. It makes you closer to someone, fills you with warmth, gives you a boost, shows that you’re genuine, shows that you trust.
Being vulnerable can enhance life.
As I finished up this book, this idea has been on my mind a lot.
First, I watched a bunch of people in my novel “open up.” I say “watched” because even though I create these characters, I didn’t usually know what they were going to do until I read what I was writing. It’s like they truly exist somewhere, and they’re telling me what happened instead of me creating anything. But I digress.
I watched my characters get vulnerable. They took chances. For some, that vulnerability paid off. For others, that vulnerability didn’t get them what they wanted, but they learned a lot.
Second, I’ve been thinking about this same concept in my own life. I’ve had a few instances lately where I wish I hadn’t let myself be vulnerable because when I did, I opened myself up to hurt. I tend to feel deeply, so when someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. It makes me want to clam up and never get close to anyone. I find myself actively pulling back in relationships in an attempt to “rectify my grievous error.”
But if you never open up, you might miss out.
I think the characters in my book, even though some got their hearts ripped out, would’ve still put themselves “out there” for the potential gain. It was worth it.
And that’s when you ask yourself: is the potential gain better than the potential for hurt? It’s impossible to say for sure. But I think living a cautiously open life is more fulfilling, even though there will be times that someone hurts you.
As I got close to asking people to read this newest novel for the first time, I started getting unusually nervous, worried that if I asked people who I knew were busy, my important project would be a burden to them. I really, really didn’t want to be burden, and this book was (is) really important to me. In essence, I was afraid. Not afraid of the critique; after all, I want to create the best book I can, and the only way to do that is to listen to feedback and apply it accordingly. But I wanted to protect myself from several varieties of hurt, mostly the hurt of people not reading how I wanted them to, with time and effort and care.
But in the end, I caused myself more hurt than I ever would have just asking. In an effort to not be vulnerable, I was much worse off! And I was vulnerable anyway!
That taught me several lessons.
And as I ran across an article about a food network star who was open about a personal situation in her life yesterday because she thought if “someone else out there is going through the same thing, then they’ll know they aren’t alone.” I thought…I like that.
Then at church yesterday, someone I’d never spoken to in my life started telling me about a personal issue she was having. It was such a real and honest conversation. (Now, I had to go home and decompress because too many people had already talked to me that day and my brain was ready to escape my scull, but still…love me some honest connection.)
I loved having that real conversation.
She didn’t feel like she had to hide her true self. And you know what I saw on her face? Freedom. I saw freedom in the set of her shoulders and the relaxed expression in her features.
Ultimately, people are searching for connection.
So, in case you’re feeling the same, here you go.
1. It’s okay to not be okay.
2. It’s okay to ask for what you need. Admitting you need something or want something is sometimes seen as weakness in our culture. But everyone needs stuff. It’s okay to reach out.
3. It’s okay to “drop the mask.” This is essentially another way of phrasing #1, but do you ever feel like you’re out there wearing a mask just to fit in? It’s sweaty and exhausting. And what do you accomplish in the end?
4. Don’t be afraid to say how you feel. Letting people know your feelings creates deeper bonds. (There’s a right way and a wrong way to go about this.)
5. It’s okay to say what you want. Your wants are valid. People can’t give you what you want unless you tell them. They have to know what to do before they can do it, and they can’t read your mind. And you can’t be mad at them for doing things (or not doing things) you never expressed. It’s revisiting that idea of laying out expectations. People can only fulfill your expectations if they know what you expect.
6. Say what you really think. You deserve the right to have your own thoughts and opinions. If you’re in a relationship where you can’t say what you really think, then you don’t have an authentic relationship. When you don’t say what you really think, you risk building up resentments. I know. I’ve done this. But as my husband pointed out…you have to use judgement on this one. It’s also counterproductive to go around saying every single thought you’ve ever had. That can be detrimental.
Intimacy and vulnerability are scary. But we get to know ourselves better when we’re true, and I think we’re ultimately more fulfilled and more satisfied in life.
Book talk:
I’m between fiction books right now. I started an audiobook recently, but the narrator irritated me so much, I had to stop listening. I’ve had a few people give me recommendations, so I need to go back through my email and find a good one because I can’t remember any of them.
I’ve started reading a non-fiction book though called 5 Love Languages. I’m reading this because after I finish my CME (continuing medical education), I’m going to direct my attention to revamping my platform and potentially trying social media again because you can write the book, but if no one is there to read it…
I’m considering making the platform “love based.” Fits my theme perhaps. We’ll see. I don’t know how to create an effective platform.
More below:
The idea of “Love Languages” and relationships intrigues me. I could go off on this for a while, but I’ll keep it brief. How a person feels love can be achieved in multiple ways, and by speaking someone’s “love language,” you might be able to deepen your relationship.
There’s actually a quiz you can take online. You can take it yourself here.
I took it, and the quiz confirmed what I already knew about myself.
If you want to make me feel loved: do things for me. I don’t need to be touched. I don’t need gifts. I don’t need you to tell me how great I am. I don’t even need to spend time with you.
But…
If you vacuum my house or make me dinner when I was dreading having to do both. (Or read my book in 9 days—Stephen knows.) or keep your commitments. I will LOVE you! Seriously.
For fun, my results are below. If you take the quiz, let me know what you get. It’s fun!
And while a lot of online quizzes out there are silly. This one can actually teach you about yourself or show you how you can better bond with the people in your life.
Melissa’s “Love Language” results:
Final thoughts:
When I sat down to write this blog post, I did NOT plan to talk about what I ended up talking about. I’d planned to talk about habits or how I utterly shirked a bunch of my duties this week, but someone must need to hear this because it feels like the theme of the week. And that’s where my fingers went on the keyboard.
I’ll probably regret this whole newsletter when it shows up in my own inbox.
Here’s to being open and honest and real, at least trying to be…
Much honesty (glitter covered, of course),
Melissa
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