Shhh…is that the sound of your awesomeness?
Today’s focus: Understanding someone else
In this edition:
The Quote
Update
Motivate: Being understood, understanding others
Book Review: THE FAMILY UPSTAIRS
New Onyx Podcast: A collection of poetry
Medical Moment: My medical condition
Final thoughts
“When the earth is still, and I am silent, let your thoughts wash over me.”
—Me
Update:
Agent update: I haven’t heard from my agent, which means I’ll likely hear from her this week.
And if you’re curious about how my new novel’s going, I’ll admit that I’m struggling to put words on paper. Scenes are forming in my head, but I’m not actually writing these scenes. I’m not quite sure what’s holding me back. I hypothesize that it’s the anticipation of what will happen with THE FALSE FLAT. (Anticipation and distraction)
What will editors think?
Will a publisher want it?
So many thoughts are going through my head, and I’m struggling to get past them so I can write something new.
Do you ever get so stuck on something that you have trouble moving past it?
I’ll get there.
Though, I have been working on character names. There are 3 new male lead characters in this book, and coming up with original, “fitting” names is a bit challenging. But a little help from friends, and a chat with a name wizard, and I think I’m very close.
I’ve also been very busy this past week, reading the materials of others, and co-hosting author podcast interviews for Onyx, which is a surprisingly time-consuming task.
Another short story is available to read/listen to below.
Me about to start another round of online podcast interviews. I always wait until last minute to set up my microphone and headphones, but I always have a cup of tea. Interview tea.
Do something great today...
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Do something great today... 〰️
Motivate:
Habit #5 in Steven Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is entitled: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
When I first started this chapter, I thought I wasn’t really going to take much from it. The topic felt a lot like something I recently covered when speaking about love (in my valentine edition), how we should pay attention to those we love, that we should listen.
Covey is saying exactly that in this chapter, but he’s taking it a step further, and honestly, it has changed the way I approach conversation a bit.
When someone first comes to you with a problem, what do you do? If you’re like most people, myself included, you feel pressure to “fix” their issue, offer good advice, sympathize with your own experiences, etc. We’re usually thinking about what we’ll say next rather than what’s coming out of the other person’s mouth, so it’s entirely possible that we’re missing the whole intent behind what that person is saying.
We’re filled with our own thoughts and experiences, and as soon as we can “relate” we jump in with our own stories and perspectives, because that’s what we have.
But the truth is, the person you’re talking to, while maybe going through something similar, isn’t you. They have their own unique experience, and we have to take the time to understand their frame of reference, which means being quiet and trying to understand that person before jumping in ourselves.
I bristled a little when I read this section because I think common experiences unite people, and sometimes knowing that someone has been through a similar situation is…helpful and comforting. It’s a “device” we can use to show the other person that we really understand where they’re coming from.
I still think that’s true, but on second look, there’s great value in Covey’s suggestion. Seek first to understand…
Because you only know it’s the same experience if you take the time to listen. And while it might be the same on the outside, it’s very likely not the same on the inside. You can’t assume anything. It’s actually quite presumptuous.
It made me really start thinking about conversations where I’d opened up and the other person started talking about themselves or other foreign experiences. What did I do? Depending on who it was, I varied in response.
Sometimes it is a, “Yes! You get it!” moment.
Other times, it’s a frustrating moment, where you’re left unheard and/or misunderstood.
And then there are the times, you just clam up because maybe you’re oversharing. If the other person feels the need to redirect the conversation to them, maybe they need to talk more than you do. Or maybe they just don’t understand. Or maybe they just don’t care. So you stop talking because it’s pointless.
I’ve experienced all of these. It’s eye-opening. Because when you really think about it, one of the best gifts you can give someone is understanding them. Don’t you feel good when someone understands you, really understands you?
Understanding takes time, and it always feels good when people give me their time. It’s another one of those gifts that can enhance a life.
So, I think it’s great to share experiences, but in conversations, I’m going to work a little harder to make sure I understand the other person’s perspective first.
“Empathetic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world…you understand how they feel.”
Empathy (understanding ) comes before sympathy (relating), and it makes the relating all the more effective.
If you pause to listen, genuinely caring about the person, and you attempt to understand the other person’s perspective—letting them get their issue out at there own pace—trust develops.
Ultimately, you may not understand. You may try really hard to see where they’re coming from and be completely unsuccessful, but the effort you show to TRY to understand is nearly as important.
Continued in final thoughts below.
Read this...
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Read this... 〰️
Book review:
The Family Upstairs
No, this is not women’s fiction or romance, but I also love thrillers, and the women’s fiction I’ve been reading lately isn’t something I want to review as I find certain reads “sticky” to recommend. I’m going to stick to reads that I can either blanket recommend or recommend to those with particular preferences.
I recommend this one if you like darker, thriller/suspense reads. This has a lot of grit, but is thoroughly entertaining. Lines are crossed, morals are touch-and-go, and there’s a little weird/bizarre in here too.
Personally, I enjoyed it all the way through.
Here’s a little more detail if I’ve grabbed your attention…
Goodreads Summary:
Soon after her twenty-fifth birthday, Libby Jones returns home from work to find the letter she’s been waiting for her entire life. She rips it open with one driving thought: I am finally going to know who I am.
She soon learns not only the identity of her birth parents, but also that she is the sole inheritor of their abandoned mansion on the banks of the Thames in London’s fashionable Chelsea neighborhood, worth millions. Everything in Libby’s life is about to change. But what she can’t possibly know is that others have been waiting for this day as well—and she is on a collision course to meet them.
Twenty-five years ago, police were called to 16 Cheyne Walk with reports of a baby crying. When they arrived, they found a healthy ten-month-old happily cooing in her crib in the bedroom. Downstairs in the kitchen lay three dead bodies, all dressed in black, next to a hastily scrawled note. And the four other children reported to live at Cheyne Walk were gone.
The can’t-look-away story of three entangled families living in a house with the darkest of secrets.
Poetry
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Poetry 〰️
New Onyx Podcast!
Selected Poetry
Written by Sandra Newton
Narrated by Melissa Collings
On this show we hear five poems by Sandra Newton. She was such a fun podcast interview! I thoroughly enjoyed her on the show!
Travel to faraway lands with memories that are not your own. Know the challenge of creating verse from thought. Disappear like the memories of childhood, and laugh at the loss brought by aging. Sandra’s poems explore the experience of being human with all its wonders and regrets. Afterward, she shares her journey to writing, which might include a stop in the middle-ages, and advice on improving your craft through determination.
Take charge of your own health!
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Take charge of your own health! 〰️
Medical Moment
Many years ago, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disease where my body attacks my own thyroid gland.
I was given thyroid hormone and told there was nothing I could do. I didn’t question that. I’m a provider myself. It’s what I learned in PA school.
Recently, I’ve been studying, and research/case studies actually show that you can reverse autoimmune disease with your diet. I was skeptical, but dropped gluten, cut way back on sugar, and way back on dairy (mostly stopped dairy, but occasionally I splurge because I love me some cheese.)…all recommended for my disease.
I did many other things, but those are the highlights.
I just got lab results, and I’m reversing my disease.
I say all this to say: YOU are in charge of your healthcare, not your provider. You are with yourself 100% of the time. Your provider is with you for 10-15 minutes every 6 months to a year, possibly less than that.
Be involved. Ask questions. Know what you take and why and consider the UNDERLYING cause. You have a problem for a reason. Can you do something about that reason? If your provider won’t listen to your concerns, get a second opinion or find a new provider.
Please.
Final thoughts:
When you show genuine care, others will give it back to you. Maybe not all others; people are people, after all.
But if you want understanding, give it. You can’t expect to get what you don’t give.
People want to be understood. This week (or whenever you’re reading this), I challenge you to look beyond yourself and really try to understand another person around you. Try walking in their shoes, getting their prospective. You might even learn something about yourself.
But at the very least, you’ll make someone feel treasured. Even if they don’t tell you, you will have made a difference. You have that power. Don’t wait to receive something, give it.
Until next time, much glitter,
Melissa
Until next time...
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Until next time... 〰️
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